Reflections on Forgiveness

"Broken Heart" by lucaszoltowski

From my observations it isn’t very common that spiritual contemplatives, writers, or teachers to reveal, in a real way, their heart in all dimensions. Typically what is emphasized is the euphoria of possibility iterated in a single stream of thought to numb and distract the mind in awe of unrealized possibility. I think we tend to look for this as an act of aversion from our mundane, confusing, and hurting reality in hopes of escape through that. I have yet to see that actually work. I write today to reveal a dimension of my experience that isn’t as carefree and euphoric. I am hurting and I think it’s worth sharing my thoughts.

It may come as no surprise that I have had many past exchanges with Christianity that has left a bleeding heart. It has been over two years since I’ve journeyed away from it and as the dust has settled in my mind that pain is still there. If you understand my writing as of late I’ve been emphasizing the importance of understanding “what am I doing” over “what do I believe”? Asking myself this I realized I’ve been waiting for an apology I likely will never receive.

What I have been doing

The pain I have is not from two years ago. This may come as a shock as it is popular to associate pain with a past event and regress “to the bottom of it”. Seeing as how I am caught in the narrative of the story I’m making around the pain I am taking the approach through the pain that exists in the here and now --- asking the question “what am I doing here”? To answer that question directly I’ve nurture the pain by feeding from it.

What do I mean by “feeding”? As strange as it may sound this is common to our experience and it depends on our sense of identity and desire. Interestingly, I’ve created quite a sense of identity around being hurt and perpetuating that sense of “hurting”, which further creates a depressed or agitated mind state. New material, such as the RFRA, turns up the mental storm, which inevitably results in being intoxicated by it. It’s more complex than this as there certain “feel” to observing the inner life.

In the end, I’ve realized how prominent this has been in my experience. I use the word intoxicated as it implies a disparity between realizing with wisdom that it’s occurring and being lost to it (mental states). Over time this has sapped my mind into the beginning stages of depression via being regularly down, which has affected many aspects of my life. That doesn’t mean I’ve been Eyor, but it’s certainly come to my attention at just how (unnecessarily) unpleasant my experience has been day to day.

What I am doing

What I have been learning through Buddhism, both academically and through experience, is that we are creating our experiences (and I’m not inferring metaphysics). My attention is shifting from the observant side to the proactive: “what can I do”? It is easy to say “just forgive and forget”, but the human experience is not that linear and simple. I spent a majority of my life talking about forgiveness and, quite frankly, I am just now learning its dynamics. As it concerns with this pain today very little has to do with “others”, but has everything to do with how I’ve been perpetuating this. The question I have asked from here is “what function has this been serving me?”

I answered that question earlier and it is feeding. Although I have been learning much from Buddhism in this regard, a dimension of my experience is actively looking for “junk food” and in this case it’s been through the aversion I’ve nurtured in reference towards Christianity --- my memory of my pain has only served as a means to this end. At this point forgiveness strikes me as an act of letting go.

Changes

1. Focus on what I am doing and can do
2. Equanimity in regards towards what others are or are not doing
3. Redirecting that painful energy into a practice of compassion (adjusting my feeding in reference to this)
4. Redirecting and maintaining day to day a center within the body (embodied mindfulness in daily life)
5. Tasking myself with more consistency in meditation for further clarity and stillness (further correcting my feeding habits)

I know that is not popular to draw attention towards these things, but I really feel like there’s a need for spiritual teaching that is more useful than simplify being motivated and inspired by only philosophical notions. Being hurt is real and a common part of the human experience. Contemplating healing in a real way is useful and I hope this contributed towards someone’s journey.

L'eggo My Ego [ee-go] – The Pangs of Individuality

 

“Jester”, by InfiniteFiend

Prosopopoeia, noun, a figure of speech in which an abstract thing is personified

“Your own self is your own mainstay, for who else could your mainstay be?” Excerpt taken from Dhp 160

What is the ego? Without specifically defining it in light of any teacher, the impression I am left with is that it is an abstract personification of thoughts, emotions, and behaviors that do not meet an ideal of self. When examined in this way, however, the same applies to our cultural heritage --- if you fail to behave, think, or exhibit emotions correctly you are weird, gay, rejected, etc. and thus an ideal of self is not meant. This tends to generate an attitude of aggression towards these qualities. Bearing these things in mind in regards to the question of the ego I see a deeper question of individuality --- what is the individual to do with individuality?

To start, when approaching the concept of the ego we will first need to examine the underlining attitudes these assumptions are operating under. A few of these assumptions are as follows:

1. Individual qualities are dualistic (good versus evil).
2. Because qualities are dualistic they are to be identified with.
3. Because qualities are identifiable the evil qualities of mind that do not fit an ideal of self (Christ consciousness, Buddha-nature, trueself, etc.) have an identity of their own (ego, carnal-nature, etc.)
4. The aspiration is to realize a higher identity and eradicate the lower identity.

Are these assumptions appropriate? What is skillful here is the virtue of pursuing wholesome qualities, but where it leads is often to suppression and / or rejection. Drawing from my personal experiences, in both Christian and post-Christian romanticism, no matter if the belief was inherent evil or purity unskillful characteristics persisted. I denied, suppressed, “remained true” to the belief(s), but only a “partial” healing was ever realized. The attitude here tends to be one of annihilation and (passive)-aggressiveness; that these ego-characteristics need to be eradicated. How can we ever expect to find everlasting peace with a warrior’s attitude?

“That’s the thing about pain. It demands to be felt.” - The Fault in Our Stars, by John Green

1. How am I perceiving my individuality?

This is where I want to point out the role perception has to play in our relationship with individuality. Every concept of ego that I have encountered thus far does not operate to a standard of honest inquiry that I hold to and encourage. What if anger, disappointment, depression, pride, etc. are viewed as pain instead of ego? If I must live a life of denying my pain, then it is a life of denial and not one of complete honesty. And thus the question I want to ask is “what is my relationship with my pain” and “what am I bringing to it”? If my attitude is that it is egoic, carnal, evil, etc. then my relationship is with it is that it is coming at me, but is it? Or, worse, that I deserve punishment for it? Regardless of my attitude as an individual pain is undeniably a part of my individual experience. These are things we individually have developed and awareness of them is only the beginning.

2. What are my perceptions intending (causing) me to do with individuality?

Next, our perceptions influence our intentions. If I tend to my pain as a warrior I am inevitably cutoff from it and it deteriorates into a never ceasing drama of existence. Instead of waking up we are exerting effort in suppressing objects of our experience and in doing so clip our wings to liberation.  If this is a journey of awakening why am I not allowing myself to feel? It is not an ego that we have developed, but habits and states of mind. And these things are something we can work with, apply antidotes to, and learn from. The intention that I am encouraging here is one that is engaged upon pain as an object of awakening. What effort is being applied? Suppression? Understanding? Apathy? What am I doing here?

3. A path of compassion.

I have poised several questions and here I want to encourage an attitude of compassion. This is a baseline, a starting point, but its an attitude that will take us into healing, rather than destroying pain. The approach of compassion is one of listening or directly experiencing the pain firsthand --- generating a warm gaze toward unskillful characteristics. Being an observer or listener to the pain rather than being the afflicted. Here we can be like an admirer of abstract art who asks the question: “what is the artist (the pain) trying to say?” And we can only know that answer by directly experiencing and contemplating the experience --- rather than pushing it away. Through understanding the pain it is possible to apply an antidote that results in meaningful healing instead of the “bliss” of ignorance and denial.

In conclusion, unskillful qualities, or pain, are a part of individuality and we have a choice to arm ourselves as a warrior against them or tend to it as a mother would an infant. It is important to understand how it is we are perceiving experience, how perceptions are influencing our intentions, and how we can change these things. Most importantly, every aspect of individuality, our pain (“ego”), deserves our compassionate gaze and genuinely learn from the pain firsthand so that we can apply an effort worth exerting. All of this requires being completely sensitive to our individual experience, rather than trying to fit it to a pre-conceived notion of how it “should be”. As creative entities it is important to be mindful of what it is we are bringing to this present moment and expand upon what we learn.

The Correlation of Honesty and Truth-Reality

Amiss my ponderings this morning I realized a direct correlation between the level of genuine honesty and reality (truth). Let me first disclose that I recognize the words for truth and reality as interchangeable (synonymous). Bearing this in mind, I view “truth” in terms of what is or things as they are – hence my preference for the word reality. If we reflect upon what is required of conventional belief, which I refute is not “belief”, it demands our subscription. A “truth” statement is declared absolutely and all others null and thus conventional belief I will define as subscription. However, upon further examination of what occurs between the subscription and mind it will be seen that the practitioner no longer becomes interested in truth; despite the motive behind subscription is the quest for truth (happiness). 

Subscription of absolute dictations require of the mind a strict adherence that betrays honesty, for if truth later reveals itself it will be rejected because of the conditions and contexts that the subscriptions mandate. Practically speaking, the primary concern with subscription it requires of its practitioner dishonesty (rejecting doubt, questions, and reality). This dishonesty further incapacitates this person’s ability to see things as they are which leads one into a state of addiction.   

I use the word addiction because subscription incorrectly facilitates the idea that its dictates are happiness, however if they do not exist in and rejects reality (things as they are, truth) it is delusion. Again, the erroneous behavior may include the torture of doubt and faith (doubt consistently being rejected), paranoia, hostile / hurtful interactions towards one’s self (for doubting) or peers, and/or anxiety. What is interesting is these behaviors center around rejection, hence why I keep using the word subscription for conventional belief because without it the process begins to fall apart. 

Subscription is not limited to evangelism, it may come in form of patriotism, mental disorders, etc. as they all require strict adherence to certain views regardless if they mesh with things as they are. Most of these examples function as the opposite of abiding in reality because they start with fear and end as a refutation (rejection). Followed by life in addiction is constant denial (rejection) of the idea that the view they are subscribed to is not ending in the happiness they think it is bringing them. Thus enters honesty. 

Regardless where we are “spiritually”, our path becomes more properly aligned when we are first honest with ourselves. Practically speaking, beliefs are more or less views the mind utilizes for the pursuit of “happiness” – mostly as escapes from reality. And if we allow for our doubt (wisdom) to teach us beyond our rejection a moment of honesty can dawn: “This isn’t working”. And so we see the first step to the end of the addiction. Honesty begins to dismantle subscription, which takes time and patience. Dealing with addiction requires its opposite proponent of honesty and the cognitive dissonance it promotes can act as an enabler against liberation (recovery). Honesty reveals the inconsistencies of our views (subscriptions) and without them as a familiar anchor we can be rapt in fear of the unknown.  Cognitive dissonance is a precursor to something new, if it is allowed to run its course. 

We seek mental harmony, or consistency, because of the familiarity it offers – even if the perceived mental harmony results in participating in the addiction. Through our rejection of reality we become inattentive to our condition and symptoms of our addiction. Through this inattention a full belief that the addiction is helpful, without much knowledge of its damages, can and will manifest. Recognition of the addiction, although a brief moment of honesty, will not stop the process of subscription (enchantment). Although we may recognize our issues, our habitual rejection will continue onward beyond the glimpse of the issue. Fixation upon symptoms, rather than the heart can manifest. 

When dealing with the process of subscription disenchantment occurs over a period of time with attention to its conditions. Processes are condition dependent and without insight into these conditions inner transformation is difficult to impossible. Transformation occurs by being mindfully absorbed in the reality of our afflictions, which is the opposite function of subscription (being unmindful) and how we are culturally raised. Being mindfully absorbed requires the honesty subscription detests because of the doubt it reveals. Doubt and honesty are opposite functions the subscription operates within. 

The other proponent that being mindfully absorbed in the addiction is the temporary disruption to its process can give a glimpse of liberation. These glimpses begin the process of transformation (recovery). This process requires doubt, honesty, stillness, and mindful absorption into the reality of the conditions of the process of subscription and its addictions. The process of purification often brings out the fear of the unknown, for the mind is unfamiliar with life without its former beliefs (limitations). As part of the path to truth we learn of a new faith, without conditions, and that is a faith the rests in not knowing (true to faith’s common definition). Faith does not know. Grasping for knowledge (conceptual notions) of this new life may replace one subscription set for another. And the uncertainty may seem worse than the certainty of current belief modes. 

However, this neurotic behavior is a function of addiction. Subscription creates the façade of knowing the unknowable – a model of reality. Ironically, since the addiction does not participate in reality it still functions in “not knowing”, but is not mindful and ignores this. Being mindful of the uncertainty and the resultant processes it brings is key. If we are honest, even the “certainty” we think current belief sets offer is still centered upon not knowing. Resting in (embracing) the unknown begins to untie us from the anchor, the reference in which we erroneously use, of our current mental paradigms – hence the term “letting go”. 

Letting go comes with resting (having faith) in not knowing and in doing so unanchors the mind. This liberation comes with infinite possibility, instead of only what the addiction previously had to offer, which is a mere limitation and imitation of “truth”. What remains true through this process of liberation (recovery) is honesty. It begins with a moment of: “this is not working”, continues in honest awareness (regardless of our current condition), being honest with our fears, being honest with the idea of not knowing, finally this honesty fosters a transformation that brings the mind from limitations to infinite possibility – unto freedom.