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| "Broken Heart" by lucaszoltowski |
From my observations it
isn’t very common that spiritual contemplatives, writers, or
teachers to reveal, in a real way, their heart in all dimensions.
Typically what is emphasized is the euphoria of possibility iterated
in a single stream of thought to numb and distract the mind in awe of
unrealized possibility. I think we tend to look for this as an act of
aversion from our mundane, confusing, and hurting reality in hopes of
escape through that. I have yet to see that actually work. I write
today to reveal a dimension of my experience that isn’t as carefree
and euphoric. I am hurting and I think it’s worth sharing my
thoughts.
It may come as no
surprise that I have had many past exchanges with Christianity that
has left a bleeding heart. It has been over two years since I’ve
journeyed away from it and as the dust has settled in my mind that
pain is still there. If you understand my writing as of late I’ve
been emphasizing the importance of understanding “what am I doing”
over “what do I believe”? Asking myself this I realized I’ve
been waiting for an apology I likely will never receive.
What I have been doing
The pain I have is not
from two years ago. This may come as a shock as it is popular to
associate pain with a past event and regress “to the bottom of it”.
Seeing as how I am caught in the narrative of the story I’m making
around the pain I am taking the approach through the pain that exists
in the here and now --- asking the question “what am I doing here”?
To answer that question directly I’ve nurture the pain by feeding
from it.
What do I mean by
“feeding”? As strange as it may sound this is common to our
experience and it depends on our sense of identity and desire.
Interestingly, I’ve created quite a sense of identity around being
hurt and perpetuating that sense of “hurting”, which further
creates a depressed or agitated mind state. New material, such as the
RFRA, turns up the mental storm, which inevitably results in being
intoxicated by it. It’s more complex than this as there certain
“feel” to observing the inner life.
In the end, I’ve
realized how prominent this has been in my experience. I use the word
intoxicated as it implies a disparity between realizing with wisdom
that it’s occurring and being lost to it (mental states). Over time
this has sapped my mind into the beginning stages of depression via
being regularly down, which has affected many aspects of my life.
That doesn’t mean I’ve been Eyor, but it’s certainly come to my
attention at just how (unnecessarily) unpleasant my experience has
been day to day.
What I am doing
What I have been
learning through Buddhism, both academically and through experience, is
that we are creating our experiences (and I’m not inferring
metaphysics). My attention is shifting from the observant side to the
proactive: “what can I do”? It is easy to say “just forgive and
forget”, but the human experience is not that linear and simple. I
spent a majority of my life talking about forgiveness and, quite
frankly, I am just now learning its dynamics. As it concerns with
this pain today very little has to do with “others”, but has
everything to do with how I’ve been perpetuating this. The question
I have asked from here is “what function has this been serving me?”
I answered that
question earlier and it is feeding. Although I have been learning
much from Buddhism in this regard, a dimension of my experience is
actively looking for “junk food” and in this case it’s been
through the aversion I’ve nurtured in reference towards
Christianity --- my memory of my pain has only served as a means to
this end. At this point forgiveness strikes me as an act of letting
go.
Changes
- Focus on what I am doing and can do
- Equanimity in regards towards what others are or are not doing
- Redirecting that painful energy into a practice of compassion (adjusting my feeding in reference to this)
- Redirecting and maintaining day to day a center within the body (embodied mindfulness in daily life)
- Tasking myself with more consistency in meditation for further clarity and stillness (further correcting my feeding habits)
I know that is not
popular to draw attention towards these things, but I really feel
like there’s a need for spiritual teaching that is more useful than
simplify being motivated and inspired by only philosophical notions.
Being hurt is real and a common part of the human experience.
Contemplating healing in a real way is useful and I hope this
contributed towards someone’s journey.
